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Hidden Wounds
by Lesli Musicar
Sometimes, it isn’t until we get out of an abusive
relationship that we realize just how damaging it really was. In
the past, many of us thought the only legitimate injuries were bruises
and broken bones. But in reality, emotional and verbal abuse can
be even more damaging.
When you’ve been physically scarred, it is clear that an injury
has occurred. But when the assaults involve words or non-violent
behaviour, it becomes less clear. We then tend to doubt ourselves.
We minimize the effects, or we compare ourselves to others. “At
least I lived to tell the story!” one woman exclaimed. But at what
cost?
One client—I’ll call her Jane—came to therapy because her partner
had convinced her she was unstable. “I think I might be crazy,”
Jane began. She said she couldn’t trust her judgment anymore. Things
she used to feel confident with now felt shaky. She could no longer
drive on the highway. Even casual conversation at work had become
difficult. She worried about “saying the wrong thing” or worse,
“saying too much.” I asked what “too much” would mean? Jane needed
to tell her story, but was afraid.
At home, Jane said she was “walking on eggshells” all the time.
Her spouse constantly criticized her and called her awful names.
Whenever she went out with friends or family, he would get angry.
So Jane stayed in more often and kept in touch with others by phone.
But soon, this too became problematic. There was no privacy. She
couldn’t speak freely without “getting into trouble.” Her spouse
would accuse her of betraying his trust, of “making him look bad.”
So she stopped calling and stopped going out. And, before she realized
it, Jane’s world had shrunk to a universe of two.
This meant there were now only two realities: hers and her husband's. There was no longer anyone to bounce things off--no reality checks. She was afraid to tell people at work about her life at home. She felt ashamed. She blamed herself. Jane felt like she was living a double life.
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